Somewhere along the line the voice in my head convinced me I was not good enough. It told me that my soccer ability was sub par, that I was slow, that I just wasn't that smart, that I was no longer attractive, that I was just another chubby girl, that I couldn't change and that I needed to settle in to this reality.

Mentally, I was not prepared to handle that much negativity and I was not mature enough to take advantage of every opportunity that arose and find ways to excel and push myself forward. It left me vulnerable to self doubt and negative thoughts that would, and still do, impact my life.

Now on the cusp of 30, I am working to change my internal dialogue. Setting small accomplish-able goals and forgiving myself when I am not as perfect as I expect. I started doing a 30 minute run/walk every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Run a minute, walk a minute. It's a bit painful and frustrating, knowing that I used to run a 6ish minute mile to just being content run/walking but, this isn't permanent and one day I will be able to do more. Right calves? On top of that, I've been working on eating more balanced meals with the right portion sizes and incorporating a workout into my daily routine. I also started a journal just for daily positives so that I am more prone to seeing the good instead of so quickly seeing the bad. Lastly, I signed up to take two free classes at the library on topics I am interested in. Self improvement doesn't end.

I am not stuck, I can change and make the reality that I desire. After all, you should never stop striving to be the best possible version of yourself and now feels like a good time for me to start.

Spring is officially here and it's Easter. We are officially Chreasters, going to church only when it's necessary.  It's become more a survival tactic to blend in with these heathens and peasants we live with.  Sometimes you just have to keep up appearances to keep peace.  I find my mind wandering to the pagan ways where sacrifices were made to wood gods to keep crops healthy, the seasons at bay, and bring rain.  I wonder if that's actually what's happening around here, behind closed doors and in secret gatherings among the neighbors...

- written by my wonderful boyfriend, Alex

Spring happens to be my second favorite season, besides losing an hour which has completely thrown my routine out of wack, I love having the time to be outside and soak up the sun after I get home from work. The weather has been beautiful and I am left feeling invigorated. This has catapulted me into a frenzy to get shit done. 

Starting to make plans for my big 3-0. Booking airfare for a friends wedding. Getting gig internet this Friday. 1000 mbps, read it and weep. Making time for my workouts and slowly getting stronger. Keeping the house clean and meal prepping. Cleaning up my budget and sticking to it. Found a pick up soccer league we are going to on Tuesdays, wish us luck on our first day tomorrow.

This new found energy and tackling tasks is refreshing. Need help? Now would be the time to ask me because I feel like I can do just about anything. I am going to ride this high for as long as possible. Who knows, I might end up making some friends because of it. Look out cool Chattanoogians!

A mini melt down might have occurred. But then I realized how awesome these changes are. Ok, so I might be going more of a vegetarian route these days. Is it really that surprising? I love animals and frankly with the health changes I am trying to make vegetarian options are pretty damn delicious and cheap. 

And yes, I might be leaning a little more democratically than I thought but I am also taking more of active role in knowing the political climate. This means not just listening to the opinions of friends but doing my own research and becoming more informed about how I feel on issues. 

Lastly, I am extremely grateful I am no longer wishing/hoping to be proposed to. Four years ago, I would have thought to talk financials and kids but I wouldn't have thought about budgets, five or ten year plans,or individual goals and wants. Those things matter. Having those talks with Alex has put us even more on the same page and a future with him feels significantly more stable than any other serious relationship I have had. Knowing we want a wedding then kids and knowing the goals we are trying to achieve now helped us find a year to get married. And somewhere in between then, a proposal. Or break up. I mean life is crazy you never know.

These changes that seemed so sudden are just magnified now that I have the time to self examine. I really like who I am becoming. A feminist, who eats a lot less meat, and isn't looking for prince charming to sweep me off my feet because I am capable on my own. I am woman hear me ROAR, right?