Recently, I had to apologize. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal but in this particular case it was difficult. It was difficult because this person is important to someone I love and I don't want to lose them. It was difficult because what caused all of this was their actions that actually hurt my feelings. It was difficult because I was trying to handle this situation in an adult manner and was met with defensiveness and disbelief. I was left feeling like the attacker.

I don't understand it and I know I won't. I thought I was being the bigger person by apologizing but after reading a series of articles, on the proper way to apologize, I realized there is no "bigger person". All it is, simply, is realizing that your words or actions hurt someone and then apologizing for that no matter how a disagreement shapes out. In my case, telling someone how their words made me feel resulted in their feelings getting hurt. My intentions were only to make them realize the repercussions of their words and how they affect people. However, through these words I hurt someone. So I apologized. I apologized for how I made them feel and I also said I would strive to solve issues like this in a better manner in the future.

Do I think this person understands anything I said, no. I think this is just who they are. But in order to maintain good relationships I must go forward and strive to be a better human. One that can maintain a level head, one that can put myself in others shoes, or strive to understand someone else's point of view, and one that knows when to be silent and when to push for change.

I have learned that you won't always get along or agree with everyone but through words and actions you can try to find a common ground or a place of respect. It isn't easy but no one said it was going to be.

I have owned my home for almost a year now. The only decorating that has been done has been done with the help and guidance of my mother. She has fabulous taste that reflects my own and I have relied on that taste for 29 years. The thing I face now is, how do I trust my own eye and intuition?

I used to say "You need to be your biggest fan because no one else will." When did I quit being my biggest fan? Why wasn't I nicer to myself? What happened?

I could pinpoint the demise of my confidence and self esteem to my college soccer career but in all honesty I think that just helped the little voice that was always there get much larger to amass to what it is today.

I worked really hard to be a just above average soccer player. I didn't have a natural ability and even though I might have been better than the average player I was always one step behind those I played against competitively. Feedback from coaches on my play had me constantly feeling that I wasn't good enough. No matter how much I worked there was always something wrong. Every time I stepped on the field I began to belittle myself for my lack of ability and compare myself to my teammates. Why can't you be more like Meredith? Unfortunately, by the time I saw a sports psychologist I was not open to spinning what I considered negative feedback into a believe in you type of attitude. Like "Wake the Fuck Up, Caitlin" into "Caitlin, I know you are capable of playing better...where is your head right now?"Needless to say living in this state for fours years impacted me.