Sit, quietly, focus on your breathe; let all your thoughts drift away. Maintain this sense of calm. In, out, repeat.

I complain when I workout. It's something I have known about myself but never really thought much of because well... I didn't care. Yesterday, Alex and I went to the middle school track and field and met up with some friends. We were going to do a track workout. Eight 400's to be exact. We would sprint one 400 jog the next and so on till we had done eight laps. As we were warming up I kept saying there is no way I am going to be able to do this. During the workout I found myself complaining about my legs and cramps and at one point I thought to myself just shut up! But I didn't. Then as we were rounding the corner of the last sprint lap I found myself turning to my friend and saying let's finish this one strong. Seriously, those words came out of my mouth.

Later that night, sitting in bed rubbing Alex's feet with Vaseline and putting socks on them so his feet might be a little less rough, I translated my thoughts to him. I came to the conclusion that maybe the reason I complain is because every time I used to work out there was a pressure to perform and be the best. Soccer revolved around making times and beating others. The pressure I was put under was hard but the pressure I put on myself was worse. The fear of somehow not finishing in time or not being the best was crippling. So, I would complain that way the end results didn't matter as much, at least to me. And here I am today, still trying to find reasons why I can't do or finish things.

Why can't I be ok with being second best? Why can't I put myself in the mind frame to start small and work my way up? Why can't I start my workouts like I finish? Strong and determined.

I want to be successful at all things but can't with the attitude I have now. I hope to be more aware of my thoughts and what comes out of my mouth from now on. I will also work on being encouraging and feeding my mind and the people around me with motivation and positivity. One day my normal reaction wont be to complain but instead to say let's do this!

Change isn't easy. Sometimes I welcome it with open arms because it has to be better than what is present and other times I resent it. Right now I am in the middle.

I started off excited about this challenge and decided I would run at least a mile everyday. Then after three days of running my calves started to tell me to "F" off (you can read my calves story here). This is about the time I start getting discouraged. I have embarked on a mental battle. One in which I am constantly encouraging myself to continue while my calves tell me to stop, more like impair me from walking (wish I was kidding about that). Everyday I reevaluate where I am at and how much I can push. Let me tell you it sucks.

I am one week down with seven more to go. Eating healthy has been relatively easy and I have Alex to thank for that. One of my favorite things to do is cook with him. We eat a lot of salad and veggies with different types of meat or fish. He eats so much and because of that limits me from having more than one helping. Supporting me by eating more. Thanks babe!

Besides eating healthy, I have spent the week listening to my calves. I have been running when they allow it and doing body weights and ballet when they wont. Ultimate Frisbee and hiking were also sprinkled into the mix. Varying it up so that I don't get bored and my calves will play nice is going to be a common theme. I hope that by Day 60 I will have built up a tolerance and will have found a balance of what works for me and my calves. I just need to remind myself to stay focused and remember why I am doing this in the first place. I want to lead a healthy lifestyle one in which I don't think to workout it just happens and where my go to food is a healthy choice because that is what I crave.

Here are two songs from my running playlist. A constant work in progress. Metal is my genre of choice today, Alex would be so proud.

I ran to work this morning. Yes, you read that right. I got up at around 5:30 a.m. feeling anxious thinking am I really going to do this? But I did it! I strapped my backpack on and took off into the morning darkness thinking ugh, while my I pod was blaring Sweet Nothing by Florence Welch. You would think it would be easier to jam out and run but somehow it still doesn't make it any more pleasant.



Did I run slow? Yep! Did my calves kill me? Of course. Did my feet go numb? Well, yes they did. Will I be doing this more? Probably not till I can actually get this whole calf problem under control. Great way to start a Friday though, plus, I get to go drink a few brewskis tonight and not feel guilty about it.