Where is My Mind?


Somewhere along the line the voice in my head convinced me I was not good enough. It told me that my soccer ability was sub par, that I was slow, that I just wasn't that smart, that I was no longer attractive, that I was just another chubby girl, that I couldn't change and that I needed to settle in to this reality.

I used to say "You need to be your biggest fan because no one else will." When did I quit being my biggest fan? Why wasn't I nicer to myself? What happened?

I could pinpoint the demise of my confidence and self esteem to my college soccer career but in all honesty I think that just helped the little voice that was always there get much larger to amass to what it is today.

I worked really hard to be a just above average soccer player. I didn't have a natural ability and even though I might have been better than the average player I was always one step behind those I played against competitively. Feedback from coaches on my play had me constantly feeling that I wasn't good enough. No matter how much I worked there was always something wrong. Every time I stepped on the field I began to belittle myself for my lack of ability and compare myself to my teammates. Why can't you be more like Meredith? Unfortunately, by the time I saw a sports psychologist I was not open to spinning what I considered negative feedback into a believe in you type of attitude. Like "Wake the Fuck Up, Caitlin" into "Caitlin, I know you are capable of playing better...where is your head right now?"Needless to say living in this state for fours years impacted me.

Mentally, I was not prepared to handle that much negativity and I was not mature enough to take advantage of every opportunity that arose and find ways to excel and push myself forward. It left me vulnerable to self doubt and negative thoughts that would, and still do, impact my life.

Now on the cusp of 30, I am working to change my internal dialogue. Setting small accomplish-able goals and forgiving myself when I am not as perfect as I expect. I started doing a 30 minute run/walk every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Run a minute, walk a minute. It's a bit painful and frustrating, knowing that I used to run a 6ish minute mile to just being content run/walking but, this isn't permanent and one day I will be able to do more. Right calves? On top of that, I've been working on eating more balanced meals with the right portion sizes and incorporating a workout into my daily routine. I also started a journal just for daily positives so that I am more prone to seeing the good instead of so quickly seeing the bad. Lastly, I signed up to take two free classes at the library on topics I am interested in. Self improvement doesn't end.

I am not stuck, I can change and make the reality that I desire. After all, you should never stop striving to be the best possible version of yourself and now feels like a good time for me to start.

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